다만 잘 지는 법도 있다는 걸 (전종환 에세이)

전종환

1980년서울에서태어났다.
2005년MBC아나운서로입사했다.
2011년보도국으로자리를옮겨기자로일했다.
2017년6년만에다시아나운서국으로돌아왔다.
현재〈생방송오늘아침〉과〈PD수첩〉을진행하고있다.

1부아나운서를하면마음공부많이하게된다
이거잘못뽑은거같은데?···················12
뭔가이상했다·······················16
메이크업은어머니에게부탁했습니다···············19
MBC최초의재학생아나운서가되다···············24
넌20등하고도잘자잖아···················26
나는회사6층화장실변기칸에앉아있었다·············32
좋다,회사안가서······················36
죄송한데,저는아직준비가안됐습니다··············39
아나운서를하면마음공부많이하게된다··············43
임경진아카데미······················48
내가예능을할수있을까···················51
저들이랑친해져야해,이건명령이야···············53
시간에공짜는없다·····················57
나는아나운서학원을다니지않았다················59
있는그대로의자신을드러내야한다················63
나도어딘가로떠나야하는것인가?················67
내선택은기자였다·····················70

2부기사에는정답이없기때문이다
강남라인에배치되다·····················74
아,잘못옮겼구나!······················77
경찰서에서밤을새다·····················80
질책도애정이있어야한다···················87
단신써··························93
그뉴스가우리사회에꼭필요한지반드시생각해봐··········97
여기서바이스는무슨질문을하려나···············102
현장이중심이다······················111
저희그렇게불쌍한사람들아니에요···············116
안될이유를찾다보면되는취재는세상에얼마없다··········123
저희도다아는방법이있습니다·················130
그래서기자들은자신만의‘빨대’를찾게된다············134
단독은힘이세다······················139
신혼이었습니다······················142
드물게캡은끊지않고끝까지내말을들어줬다···········147
내웃음의허용치는어디까지인가················151
내가아나운서국에있었다고해서달라질건없었겠지만········154
북극을가리키는지남철은무엇이두려운지항상그바늘끝을떨고있다···158

3부다행인건범민이있다는사실이다
안녕하세요,저팬이에요···················162
문지애남편전종환입니다···················166
어른이둘인데아이하나를못돌봐요?···············169
자주손이가는책이더좋은책이라믿는다·············173
무얼찾고계신가요?·····················176
나는아내를연민하는가···················181
그게‘문득전종환’이었다···················184
말이시로변해가는사이어디쯤·················187
문학에는시간을견디는힘이있다················190
책이좋아야책읽어주는아빠가됩니다:내인생의책10권·······194
새로운세대가밀려오니문화는바뀌어야옳겠다···········201
그러니삶이어디쉽겠는가··················206
나에게는어떤냄새가배어있나요················210
어떤말도쉬이넘어가지질않는다················214
우리는이렇게죽는다····················218
상처와고단함은온전히네몫이어야하리라·············222
헌신이목표인삶은대체어떻게가능했던건가요?··········226

작가의말························231

“삶은끝까지복잡하고어려울것이다.”

MBC아나운서전종환의
실패라면실패고,성장이라면성장일그런이야기!

MBC아나운서전종환의첫산문집이다.2005년MBC아나운서로입사하여만15년차를맞이함과동시에〈생방송오늘아침〉과〈PD수첩〉을진행하고있는그이기도하다.문지애아나운서의남편으로아내가꾸려가는유튜브〈애TV〉에서‘문득전종환’이라는코너를통해책을소개하는아빠로등장하기도하는데누군들자식사랑이지극하지않겠느냐만,아무튼이책의시작은‘범민에게’로부터다.어쩌면다섯살배기아들전범민에게건네는아빠의일기장이아닐까서두부터힌트를주는책이다싶기도하다.

『다만잘지는법도있다는걸』은전종환이라는이가아나운서라는나무를심기직전의삽을들어땅을파는그어제부터아나운서라는나무가땅에잘파묻혀튼튼한밑동으로자라오르는그오늘까지물의힘으로그순리를따라온여정을특유의솔직함으로유쾌함을무기로기록해낸이야기다.그에따르자면“막사회생활을시작한청년의서투름과마흔이넘어비로소주변을돌아보기시작한중년의이야기가”모두담겨있는책이라나.한업으로시작해한업에서의15년,이를아주고스란히옮겨왔다할적에갈팡질팡그좌충우돌기란실은얼마나뜨거울것인가.그럼에도그는제살아온시간을고백하는데있어자주제온몸에찬물을끼얹는일로스스로를단련시켜왔다.넘칠까봐두리번거렸고모자랄까봐기웃거림을감추지않았다.청춘에게기댈건저자신이라는청춘밖에없음을너무도일찌감치알아버린그이기때문이아니려나한다.

이책은총3부로구성되어있다.1부는기자를꿈꾸던대학생전종환이재학생시절아나운서로덜컥뽑혀준비없이출발한아나운서로온갖고충을겪다가차츰제자리를잡아가게된과정을여과없이담아내고있는데‘아나운서를하면마음공부많이하게된다’라는부제목처럼매순간어쩔수없이부침을겪어낼수밖에없었을그의마음속생채기를우리도모르는사이에절로좇게된페이지들이라하겠다.우리도그처럼그와같다고느끼게하는공감은도무지감추거나애써숨기려는의도자체가없는그의성격에서비롯되기도할텐데꽤나느린보폭으로그의행보를따르는내내안타까움의탄식도절로터지는것은아마도그에게서나였고,나이고,나일내모습이겹쳐짐을발견하기도해서일거다.그러나이한구절을보라.“죄송한데,저는아직준비가안됐습니다.”더도말고덜도말고구멍이난라디오뉴스자리를맡기려는부장에게이렇게말하는신입아나운서의말을보라.그는수도없는시행착오가운데있는그대로의자신을온전히드러낼때보다“싱싱하게살아시청자들에게건강함으로가닿을것”을체득하게된듯하다.예까지오는데있어어쩌면그는제게들리는많은이들의많은말을경청하는일로아나운서학원을대신한것이아닐까할정도로말이다.입이기전에귀라는교훈,아나운서전종환이환기시켜준메시지.

2부에는결혼과동시에직종을전환,자신감과책임감을동시에배워가며어렸을적꿈이었던기자로분해세상을배워가고단련해가는그의이야기가담겨있다.앞선1부에서다분히수동적이었던그가말이될정도의능동성을힘입게된데는하고자했던일이었고원하기도했던일앞에당도한그의‘흥’덕분이기도하리라.그러나이내무참히그흥을깨는현실은그에게쓰는손과뛰는발의간절함을일깨워주기에충분하지않을수없던듯하다.쉴새없이터지는뉴스,시시각각온몸으로감각해야하는뉴스,“그뉴스가우리사회에꼭필요한지를반드시생각해봐”하는선배기자의말을꼼꼼하게메모하고“저희그렇게불쌍한사람들아니에요”하는인터뷰이의말을뾰족하게제안에새기게된데는2부부제목의무시무시함을몸소깨달아버린연유에서비롯하기도하리라.‘기사에는정답이없기때문이다’라말할수있게된기자전종환.정답이없다말하지만정답의방향을향해항상그바늘끝을맹렬히떨어야하는자석의자세가기자의태도임을알아버린전종환.

3부는다시금아나운서로복귀,처음과는다르게능수능란해진아나운서의일상을살게됨과동시에남편이라는이름과아버지라는이름을동시에갖게된그의현재를보여주는이야기다.가족이라는이름에있어교감이라는것이얼마나중요한지그매개로책을섬기게된그는책을통해아내와대화하고책을통해아들과노는일로또하나의나를만나게된다.그렇게돌고돌아나를만나게된그의입에서흘러나온이러한읊조림.“훗날범민이이책을보고우리모두실패할수있는사람들이며때로는지기도한다는걸자연스럽게받아들였으면좋겠다.다만잘지는방법도있다는걸배워간다면아빠로서더바랄나위가없을것이다.”지는일이과연실패이자패배일까.일부러지는일은있어도일부러실패하거나일부러패배하지는않는다.인생이라는길고지난한길위에서어느날은지고또어느날은이긴다할적에그지고이김도실은걷는과정의다른이름일뿐,중요한건우리가끊임없이끝도없이걷는그의지일거다.

아나운서로일하며‘말’을배웠고,기자로일하며‘글’을배웠으며이제는‘책’을읽으며‘삶’을배워가는전종환.무엇보다이책은실패라면실패고성장이라면성장일그런이야기로,실패없는성공없고성공에대한기대없이실패를견뎌낼의지를어디에서찾겠는가하며결국스스로의살아옴,그버텨옴의시간들을다시금반추하게하는책이다.이책의가장큰미덕은가식이라는것,꾸밈이라는것,척이라는것,그가면이없어도너무없다는점이다.공감은바로이런진심에서소리나는박수일것이다.내가아닌데나를똑닮은얼굴을가진데서덧입게되는흡인력은이책을정말재미나게읽어내는원동력이아닐수없다.“삶은끝까지복잡하고어려울것이다”라는말을인정하는데서오는유연성.그래서우리는어떻게해야하겠나.나만큼은덜힘들었으면하는바람으로나의일상속억지로말하려는것이아니라절로나오는에피소드를그대로보여주는일로(산다는일은또그렇게다른일상일리는만무하므로)나의살아옴보다는한보폭이라도나았으면하는마음,그진심이바로‘어른’의태도이자‘아버지’의역할아닐까.

문장의묘미를살릴줄아는문체의소유자로글안에서생생하게살아숨쉬는인물들과의일화로책의텐션을보다생생히끌어올릴줄아는타고난감각을보이기도하는전종환.안다고말하기보다모른다고말할때가더자주였던그,쥐기보다펴기의미덕이더아름다움을알아뒤로주춤물러날때더환하게웃을줄아는그,한걸음뒤두걸음뒤그렇게누군가의뒤에있는듯했으나종국에는누군가의뒤를큰동선을그리며거시적으로보고있음을깨닫게하는그,그에대한시인박준의꿰뚫음을애써남긴다.“전종환은무엇이든되어보려는사람이다.(……)남편과아빠이면서남편과아빠이고자하고,언론인이면서더온전한언론인이되고자하는.물론속절없이져야했던순간의그도다르지않았을것이다.지면서도더잘지고자하는노력들.다치지않고넘어지는낙법이나봄꽃의낙화처럼.삶의높이를아는기록들.”